Harry Potter: The Untold Chapters
by He Who Is Not Quite God
Summary: Ninja Sudoku Players Attack Hogwarts That about sums it all up in a totally unhelpful way. You will see...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I guess I should put one of these in here somewhere... this is a story based in the magical world of Harry Potter. Mainly written out of sheer boredom, but it's dedicated to my girlfriend, Ruth. She seems to like Harry Potter fanfics on this site, so I wonder how this one will go down... **

**Reviews are much appreciated:)**

**Cheers,**

**Les Author **

* * *

Chapter One: Les sudokus peuvent vous apporter plus étroitement. - _Sudokus can bring you closer._

"Right, what happens now then?" Mariachi Steve looked up from the paper on the desk before him.

"Well a nine goes in that square there." Umbilical Dave pointed out helpfully.

"Quiet you!" Steve scolded him, this is a map, remember!

"Oh yeah, um, sorry."

"So then, this is where we enter. From there on in we must be silent and quick. You must not let a single person see us lest the plan is foiled. The place must be destroyed, if we fail we are doomed for sure!"

"Why?"

"Quiet you!"

"Oh of course. We are. Yes, utterly doomed."

"Yes."

"Most definitely annihilated."

"Indeed."

"Truly wiped off the face of this planet."

"That will do, Dave."

"And totally... um, sorry."

In one swift moment Dave was hurled across the room, hitting the wall with a sickening crunch.

"Dude, I think I broke something." He groaned, lying on the floor. He looked dismayed as he pulled a broken pencil out of his pocket. "That was my lucky pencil, man!" He protested.

Steve wasn't listening, instead he leant back on his chair and surveyed the room. Paper cluttered the floor, screwed up, discarded. A thousand broken pencils lay strewn across the room. Above the mourning form of Dave was a symbol on the wall. A box, a nine by nine grid divided into nine three by three sub-grids. Each small block in the grid contained a number from one to nine, and amazingly no row, column or sub-grid contained a number more than once. Steve regarded this box with awe. It was the symbol of their cult, the Ninja Sudoku Players. That logo was a symbol of their goal, to complete a sudoku puzzle.

So far not even Mariachi Steve had managed it, despite attempting every puzzle he could find. However he was optimistic for the future. He knew that one day, he would make it. For it was common knowledge that if one completed a fabled sudoku one would achieve enlightenment and become the ultimate Sudoku Ninja! Not that it was common knowledge, for only the Sudoku Ninjas has stumbled upon this knowledge, and there were but two of them. Mariachi Steve and Umbilical Dave. Though they didn't make the most impressive duo, they were certainly true to their names. Dave wasn't proud of his, his mother's doctor had been a lousy one, but Steve was a mean Mexican through and through... shame he was as lousy at music as he was simple pen and paper games.

Together the pair of them had hatched a plan. The plan. Such a plan had never even been dreamt of before. The sheer amazingness of it was something that mere mortals would never manage, for they were narrow-minded and shallow. But these people were no mortals, for they played the holy game of sudoku, and they planned to go down to the chippy on Thursday for a bite to eat. Being locked up in their tiny apartment scribbling numbers on pieces of paper worked up quite an appetite. However they could last till Thursday. they would just have to ration the pencil stubs.

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Meanwhile, in the small town of Upper Smedlington a group of trained monkeys had escaped from a circus and were heading for the channel tunnel.

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Eighty one point three miles northeast of their position lay a totally unrelated castle of little significance to the lives of anyone but the odd wizard, witch and a few million teenagers around the world. And inside it was a little boy with brown hair and a funny shaped scar on his forehead. No-one knew why, but as Voldemort was defeated he must have decided to add a sick twist of humour to the situation, there upon his would-be victim's head was a lightning bolt. Hmmm, maybe that wasn't such a funny shape to have... (Oh stop complaining, nothing remains of the fourth wall to be broken!) Though what Harry is doing is totally irrelevant, and who he is with is too, I shall tell you all the same. He sits in his House's common room, though it's not very common, there's only the one. Beside him Hermione and Ron gaze at him wistfully, praising his every move and being total suck-ups in the hopes that some day they may be allowed to have his autograph. But Harry was ignoring them, for once again the scar burned upon his forehead and he was hallucinating.

_Thunder rumbled in the distance. Rain lashed against the windows of a darkened room. A flash of lightning illuminated the scene briefly. Inside the room two men sat, hunched over a shabby desk, in deep concentration looking at a flat, white object. Tall, dark and handsome, one of the men could be described as this, but only by a blind old lady who thought tall was over four foot nine and anything but albino qualified as dark. The figure sitting opposite was not as bad, that is to say his face was not as riddles with spots and he wore a matching pair of socks, though something long and pink protruded from his shirt somewhere above the waistline._

"What the!" Harry exclaimed, awakening from his trance-like state.

"Have you been taking those drugs again, Harry?" Hermione scowled.

"I told you to save some for me!" Ron said, standing up and disappearing through the portrait hole.

"Now look what you've done!" She continued, ignoring Harry's attempts to speak.

"But I..."

"You know it's not nice to leave him out, he's a reject we all know but you could at least pretend you care. Come on, we all know that if we screw him over now he'll grow up to be a psycho killer, so please just give him some next time. And don't make that face at me. Don't make me kick you're ass!"

"Oooh, kinky." Harry's eyes glinted.

A groan came from the crowd that had gathered around the arguing pair.

"Get a room!" Someone shouted,

"Hah! Like I would sink that low." Hermione snorted.

"She's got a point y'know." Another person piped up.

"Hey! Look at this!" Colin Creevy yelled over the crowd.

As the people parted Harry saw two beautiful women lying on the floor, arms wrapped around each other. They were kissing, so engrossed, oblivious to the world around them. Colin was wild with excitement, he got out his camera and went through an entire roll of film within seconds, obsessed with the two females that had seemingly come from nowhere.

"B...but what ab...about me?" Harry stammered. "Come on! Everyone look at me here! I just had another vision. My scar was hurting. I saw two mysterious men! The world is obviously coming to an end! I'm meant to get all the attention round here." He curled up on the armchair and sobbed.

No-one in the room cared though, they were all to busy staring at the lesbians.

"I hate you people!" Harry cried.

"I love these people!" Colin sighed.

"What the hell..." Said Dumbledore as he strode into the scene.

The entire room fell silent.

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Charlie the monkey was not happy. His favourite banana had sprouted wings and burrowed it's way into a nearby brick wall. Also his bowler hat had gone missing.

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: A obtenu d'avoir les hamsters d'emo - _Gotta have the emo hamsters._

In a flash the lesbians were gone. A big, flashy flash, with sparks and smoke and such... pink sparks, naturally. A bang, too. A most tremendous bang which rumbled through Hogwarts like thunder. Another, equally impressive (if not more so than the last) bang shook the castle once more, this time covering up Dumbledore's departure.

"Aaah!" Harry screamed in agony once more, clutching his forehead in a desperate bid for attention. "The agony! It burns!"

"Oh shut up Harry." Hemione scowled. She pointed her want at Harry and muttered something under her breath. Moments later a small, canary shaped spark came from it and hit him on the head, leaving another lightning bolt shaped scar next to his original. "Any more moaning and you'll get more, and they might start coming in more interesting shapes too."

"B...but I'm the hero of this place. You people are meant to love me I'm world famous, I am."

Ron chuckled. "Nobody cares anymore, Harry. Look around the room, does it look like we're fussed about a little scar hurting? No. Everyone wants to know where the lesbians and Dumbledore got to!"

"I HATE lesbians." Harry growled.

"Say cheese!" Said Colin, taking yet another picture of Harry.

"Well at least you still have a fan, eh, Harry?" Chortled Ron.

If looks could kill Ron would have been mutilated and tortured to death, if it weren't for the fact that Harry was far too goofy looking to be menacing anyway.

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By this stage Charlie was beginning to doubt the navigational skills of Sebastian, but he was insistent that the red arrow on the compass pointed the way they wanted to go.

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Steve stared at yet another sudoku puzzle. His mind boggled at the sheer complexity of the task, actually getting the numbers in the right place... life doesn't get much harder. He considered the alternatives. There were only two other ways to achieve enlightenment, and those were just, well, silly. They could go around in fairy costumes consuming vast amounts of gerbils. However Dave felt that it would be cruel, and that the RSPCA were likely to find them before they found enlightenment. It was that or train an army of emo hamsters to take over the world, and that didn't seem very enlightening to Steve, so there they were, playing sudoku. And it was only Tuesday too, they would have to last another two days before the trip to the chippie, and he only had three pencil stubs and one tin of sharpenings left to keep him going. It was tough, being a Ninja Sudoku player.

Dave came round from his earlier collision with the wall. "Steve, I'm hungry."

"So?"

"Let's sing a song!"

"How the hell is a song meant to help your hunger?"

"It will take your mind off it." Dave smiled.

"But I'm not the hungry one."

"You said you were hungry though."

Steve slammed his head into the desk, repeatedly.

"See, all that hunger is driving you mad. Here, I'll sing a song , it will help, honest!" Umbilical Dave started to hum a merry little tune.

Mariachi Steve groaned in anguish as the song started. As it continued, so did he. By the interval he was begging for Dave to stop. However Dave was by this stage so engrossed in his song-making that he could barely contain the second half till after the audience had been to the toilet. Luckily it didn't last long, for Steve had little left to excrete by that stage.

The second half began.

A little part of Steve died. Only a little one, though. His music was pretty awful too, so audio-torture had a slightly limited effect on him.

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Charlie was pretty miffed. Sebastian was busy looking through his pocket dictionary for 'miffed.'

"Oook?"

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Vous savez quand vous avez léché assez de poissons quand vous commencez à évoluer des ouïes - _You know when you've licked enough fish when you start evolving gills._

"Good morning Harry!" Ron said in a cheerful voice as Harry crawled from his bed to the bathroom.

He put his school robes on and set off down the stairs to the common room. The deserted room was totally silent, the embers in the fireplace glowed gently, the sun shone through the window, illuminating the room softly. Ron clambered through the portrait hole and set off towards the great hall for an early breakfast, taking a shortcut to avoid Peeves who was floating around the main corridor. He made his way to the Gryffindor table where he sat down next to Harry.

"Wait a minute!" Ron cried, falling backwards onto the floor. "You haven't gotten up yet!"

"What! Of course I have." Harry frowned. I've been here for a good ten minutes."

"But you were in our tower back then, I saw you."

"Buggrit! Rumbled..." Harry stood up and left the great hall, discarding his half eaten muffin sandwich as he left. It sailed through the air and landed in a small Ravenclaw's soup.

'What the hell?' Ron thought, picking himself up from the floor. 'And now my robes have got filth all over them, mother is going to kill me.' He grabbed a pumpkin pie and was about to take a bite when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Harry?" Harry said to him quizzically. "I saw you walking up the stairs just a second ago. How comes you're here?"

"What the...?" Ron said, omitting the expletive for fear of being told off by his mother.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked him.

"What are you on about, Harry?"

"I'm Hermione, why are you calling me that?"

"No, you're Harry, I can see that."

"Oh shut up silly, you're Harry."

"Hi guys!" Called a voice from behind them. The pair stopped bickering to look round.

"Harry!" They exclaimed in unison.

"No, I'm George. Why do you two look identical?"

The three of them gazed at each other in bewilderment, then Hermione took a mirror out from her robes and looked into it. She screamed and threw the mirror away, running for the nearest exit but instead finding a wall. A very solid wall.

Ron fainted.

George sat down, feeling slightly dizzy.

Harry walked into the hall.

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Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief as the sea entered their sight and trudged onwards, towards their ever nearing goal. Charlie was still wondering how Sebastian could read the dictionary that now sat safely back in his pocket.

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"Chips!" Said Dave.

"Chips!" Replied Steve.

"Chips!" Dave repeated.

"That will do." Steve sighed, munching on his own portion of soggy chips. The sheer amount of vinegar made him cough, but still, there was no point in having chips if you didn't get every complimentary item on offer. So beneath the mound of salt, pepper, ketchup and mayonnaise there lay a few soggy chips, fermenting in the pool of vinegar. Dave looked up from his own feast, a drip of ketchup falling into his lap from a half consumed chip.

"Yummy, 's very nice." He mumbled, dribbling more sauce down his front. Steve frowned at his companion and continued to eat, considering it worthless to reprimand him on his poor eating habits. It's not like he could afford to eat out anyway. The life of a Ninja was a herd one indeed.

Not much of a banquet later Steve pulled himself free of his chair and walked to the window.

"Hey! Since when did we have a window in this hovel?" Dave asked, looking puzzled.

"Oh, I smashed a hole through the wall this morning. I thought that maybe it was a bit gloomy in here." Mused Steve, looking thoughtfully outside.

"True, but isn't that kinda a supporting wall?"

"Could be."

"Then isn't it a bit dangerous to put a window in?" Dave queried.

"Good heavens no!" Steve said, taken aback by Dave's lack of faith in his engineering skills. "I crafted this perfectly, this wall will never crumble." He gave it a slap to reinforce his point. A chunk of masonry fell from the ceiling. Dave gave him a dubious look. "The wall is a solid as a stone!" He defended himself.

"It is stone. The ceiling isn't though." Dave commented. Then, seeing his master's glare he quickly shut up and got back to eating the chips.

Outside the sun was setting, an ominous fog was settling upon the city, obscuring even the light of street lamps. Mariachi Steve settled back down in his chair and pulled out a fresh book of puzzles from his desk. The dim light of the room illuminated the paper, the shadow of Steve over it. He began scribbling numbers into the squares, desperately trying to get them to add up. The scratching sound of the pencil on paper carried on through the misty night, displaying the true incompetence of the Ninja Sudoku players so amazingly well.

Far off a car horn beeped. It was followed by a sickening crunch and then more beeping. A cry of pain echoed through the all but deserted streets, bouncing off the walls till it reached the abode of the Ninjas.

"Sounds like we got another fatality." Dave chuckled.

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Charlie repeatedly poked the recumbent form of Sebastian with a rubber chicken. It squeaked. The monkey on the floor grumbled something about 'bananas.' It seemed that the shock of finding out they were now exactly 300 miles from their intended destination had been too much for the aging circus monkey to take. Especially at this time of the month.

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End file.
